Finding it Difficult to Be Assertive? (spoiler alert: you may be an empath)
Are you constantly challenged by an inability to be as assertive and direct as you would like to be? Do people say you are strong and opinionated but deep down inside you know there is so much more authenticity that the world is not seeing? Or maybe you start out many conversations perfectly clear about what you are going to say, but the minute you open your mouth it comes out differently…softer, more nuanced, and way more indirect than you had intended? Or is it that you wake up each day feeling anxious and disconnected from others?
You may be an empath.
Over the years in my own journey as a sensitive empath, and in working with literally hundreds of empathic people (most of whom never considered themselves empaths), I’ve learned that the inner world of such sensitivity requires a unique, deliberate, and informed approach to life and personal growth, especially in the realm of assertion and self-agency.
Why is that? How are empaths different than other folks? And what is our unique approach to setting boundaries, being assertive and assuming our self-agency? Here’s a brief overview:
Empaths are both born and made – you may find you are sensitive to the energies and emotions around you. Perhaps you don’t enjoy malls or parties, or a particularly difficult meeting at work is hard to shake off. You react strongly to scenes in movies, particularly if it has to do with animals. You feel someone’s emotional pain or happiness. These qualities are both intrinsic to you at birth and were also formed in you in childhood. Newborns are born sensitive and empathic—they may prefer dimmed light, quieter environments, and resist certain types of cloth material. They pick up and mirror energies around them.
Early childhood trauma can also wire someone for empathy. For example, having a narcissistic parent, or an active addiction in the family can wire a child to be hyper-sensitive to their environment so that they can respond in a way that will not make waves or cause trouble. Often these children become the caretakers, the heroes, the ‘mature one’ in the family. They learn to be ok if everyone around them is ok.
The neurocircuitry of empaths is unique – through nature and nurture the empathic capacity requires an exquisite interplay of neural networks and enables us to perceive the emotions of others, resonate with them emotionally and cognitively, to take in another’s perspective. In fact our brains are wired differently. This was discovered through several studies. One recently done by researchers at Southern Methodist University cited that those with higher empathy process familiar music with greater involvement of the reward system of the brain, as well as in areas responsible for processing social information.
Various parts of the brain associated with empathy are either more developed or more active for empaths. An area of the brain called the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex (sgACC) is more highly activated in empaths during social interactions. And MRI scans have shown that when a highly empathetic individual observes another person who is experiencing a range of emotions, the empath's brain fires off the same neural circuits, making the empath feel what the other person is feeling. Studies also reveal that empaths have more gray matter concentrated near various parts of the brain.
This all means we empaths process social information differently and therefore need to take much greater care of ourselves in social situations than other people.
Trauma sabotages our ability to advocate for ourselves – Often, through trauma, we find it hard to distinguish between our own and others’ emotions. Through our unique neural circuitry, we often feel others’ experiences as if they were our own. If we try to set a boundary, or be direct in some way, we literally feel the response of the other—it could be disappointment or even rage. So it doesn’t ‘feel good’ to have boundaries and self-agency can feel dangerous or threatening to our nervous system. Our trauma of needing to be the peacekeeper in the family becomes highly activated when we attempt to practice healthy self-entitlement, so it not only feels bad to be healthier, but can create enormous anxiety as our neural networks that are wired to keep us safe go on high alert. We then naturally resist efforts to create healthier relationships.
Trauma, by the way, does not need to mean you had a terrible childhood. Trauma happens in myriad ways – from the most benign to the most toxic of circumstances. Learning how trauma has impacted your life can be very enlightening and empowering.
Our way to assertion is through the body – While our empathy makes our brains different, the things that keep us from being assertive live in the body. Trauma is often the culprit behind low self-agency. And trauma lives in our body, not our brains or in our cognitive understanding. Therefore just ‘learning how to be assertive’ is not enough and sets you up for failure again and again. To learn how to be more direct, clear, and boundaried, you must learn how to meet your body’s strong reactions that are an inevitable part of your growth. You must learn self-awareness practices that help you spot a neural-flare-up in the face of boundaries being crossed and learn how to metabolize the powerful sensations that arise to ‘spook you away from’ self-agency. You must understand your family history and the narratives that persisted, that have embedded themselves into your body that provoke you to sabotage your efforts towards healthy self-entitlement.
Feeling resentful, shut down, unfeeling, and a lack of empathy could mean you are an ‘empath in trouble’ – Many empaths make the mistake of thinking they are not empaths because they exhibit a lack of empathy. But did you know that there is a phenomenon called ‘empath in trouble’? An empath in trouble exhibits many traits as someone who is the opposite of an empath: coldness, lack of compassion or empathy, disconnection, hostility, dismissiveness, cynicism. This happens when an empath has overstretched their caretaking to beyond their capacity. The chronic stress and anxiety due to the hypersensitivity of and hyperresponsiveness towards others eventually burns out the empath, and they begin to spiral backwards into non-empathic behaviors. This can also lead to depression, anxiety disorders and disease. This is another reason why understanding yourself as an empath is essential to your wellbeing.
Empowered empaths are formidable, in service to wholeness, and not to be trifled with – When empaths heal from trauma and learn to become more attuned to their body’s sensations, they become powerful leaders and change agents. Their natural ability to embrace many different perceptions and points of view, to feel others’ emotions and realities, makes them natural advocates for 'caring for the whole’ and be able to advocate for—not only themselves—but powerful visions and missions. They set boundaries with fierce embodied compassionate wisdom and no longer doubt their intuition, which is informed by their sensitivity.
Understanding yourself as an empath is key to unlocking your potential to be strong, clear, direct and assertive. You’ll discover more powerful and effective strategies, build your confidence and make meaningful and measurable changes in your life. When empaths are empowered, everyone benefits.
Kelly Wendorf is an executive coach, spiritual mentor, facilitator, horse-woman, writer, poet, mother of two astonishing people, and courageous life explorer.
To inquire about coaching, spiritual mentoring, or private retreats with Kelly, email her.
August 22nd, 2022