My Confession

I’ve been withholding the truth from you. I thought that things would change and that I wouldn’t need to mention it to you, but it’s been months now and nothing has shifted. As a coach and a business owner who supports others to live the lives they’ve always dreamed of––wait, check that––sometimes didn’t even dare to dream of, I need to walk my talk. And I haven’t been lately.

I woke up this morning and felt I owed it to you to share that and share the many ways the wheels have fallen off my personal practices and principles, and how I intend to pull myself back together. I think my cautionary tale might be useful to you. Especially as so many of us as leaders, visionaries, parents, business owners, and activists encounter many of the same challenges: increasing speed of technology (and the subsequent exploding email inbox), the hidden tyranny of success, the drive to do more in a hurting world, increasing complexity (everywhere), and the headwinds of myriad external and internal pressures.

I figured I’d outline it all by category, just ‘cause that’s the way my brain works. Below is offered
to you in vulnerable transparency:

Success – It’s been an awesome year personally and professionally. I’ve managed to take two months off, travel to Greece and Portugal, spend time with my kids, host a family reunion, and fall in love. EQUUS has attracted more amazing clients than ever, and I’ve been invited to do book talks and keynotes. So what’s the problem with all of that, you may ask? There is a shadow side to success and that is speed. There’s only so much a human body can do, hold, and manage on any given day. I started to believe that in order to hold all of these amazing things, I had to do more and move faster and faster. Fast is not creative, joyful, or free.

Going faster to make more, only to make less – Related to the above, I’ve fallen into that old proverbial trap of working more only to learn that I am making less…less profit, less free time, less joy, less creative space. I’ve taken my eye off of the ball of hidden costs of doing business that add up when you deliver more. I’ve not been reviewing my ROIs.

Emails – When I go faster, I generate more technology. More emails out, more emails back. My email inbox is like a hundred-headed hydra; the more I respond to it, the more comes back to me. My inbox consumes precious hours of family time, walks with my dogs, hikes with friends, backpacking trips, horse time, and quiet unsullied me-time.

Buying into the Hustle Culture – I’ve succumbed to the promise of more (more free time, more money, more of what I want), through doing more: more social media, more memberships, more likes, more shares, more networking, more coffees and lunches with colleagues, more meetings, more conversations that might lead to ‘something’, more investments and purchases.

Not saying “No” – Oh my God! I teach this! I spend 14 weeks twice a year teaching people how to say “No”! The Hustle Culture is a ‘Yes’ culture. I’ve not been saying “No” to all the things I need to say no to. I wrote a whole book because I said “No”. I build a company by saying “No”, I bought a ranch because I said “No”. No is sacred. No one makes beautiful things happen.

Not letting go of people – My amazing year meant that I was learning, growing, and transforming. It was the byproduct of doing deep and hard inner work over the last three years. And when one grows and transforms, many things no longer fit anymore. There is a natural attrition of circumstances and that includes people. I’ve hung on to some too long, my lack of integrity on that front has led to unnecessary expenditure of time, energy, and heart. And besides, it is a dishonest way to be with others.

Abandoning daily practices – My daily practice includes these four essential elements: quiet time in solitude, writing, hiking with my dogs and working with my horses. These are non-negotiables for my well-being and for the well-being of my professional life. In moving faster and doing more, I’ve let their quieter voices be silenced by the headwinds of other perceived obligations.

Telling myself the story it’ll just get better – I’ve just been flat-out lying to myself. I didn’t want to tell myself the truth about where I was headed. I’ve been overwhelmed and an overwhelmed mind can’t think of solutions. And absent solutions I didn’t want to tell myself the truth. It’s a vicious cycle.

I let shame sneak in – I felt bad about the whole scenario and ashamed. I started telling myself negative narratives and falling into victim mindsets. That just made everything worse. I know myself well enough to realize (at some point) part of my growth cycle is dipping into setbacks. I learn so much through failure. I discover important insights through the shadowy realms of resistance, shame, confusion, fear, and overwhelm. Once it hurts enough, I start to wake up and look around. And just like dozens of times before, I begin to emerge with new wisdom. 

So here is what I’m going to do:

Honor – The first step to pulling out of any downward spiral is to stop the shame. According to clinical neuro-psychologist and author of the Mind Body Code, Dr. Mario Martinez, honor is the antidote to shame. I am honoring the path that I am on, and the journey this setback has provided for me. I honor the insights that are coming forth and the important education it is bringing to me (see more on that below). I am reframing the last few months into narratives that are empowering

Financial Mentoring – I am reaching out to friends, colleagues, and professionals to help me understand my business better. I am learning new things about the phases of a small business, and the strategies behind increasing my margins. I am being tutored about the importance of healthy financial hygiene, and how to do it. I am setting up systems that give me important insights into the real cost of doing business, and the real returns on various investments.

Email – The hundred-headed beast can only be tamed by giving it less energy. I’m back to constraining my daily email work to 30 minutes, twice a day. Confining your email sessions to a block of time keeps you focused and efficient for other important tasks. When you answer emails throughout the day, it breaks up your attention and reduces your productivity.

I also have a wonderful email management system that I’ve reinstated and here it is: Make three new inboxes labeled TODAY, THIS WEEK, and THIS MONTH. Each day, when new emails come in, quickly file them into the appropriate inbox. TODAY is only for urgent emails that must be responded to within 24 hours. Then during your email session, only answer emails in the TODAY inbox. At the end of your email session, move any THIS WEEK emails that need to be answered the next day, and move any THIS MONTH emails that need to be answered within the week.

Tech-free weekends – For me, tech-free means no email and no work-related texting. I used to have them every weekend, with the odd exception. I’m back on those and it feels amazing. Slowly my life is returning back to me and I’m feeling more creative, easy, and playful. Coaching – I am going to capitalize on this wake-up opportunity and do a deep dive on some existential questions like “Where am I now?” “Where do I want to go from here?” and “What is truly essential to me?” And I’ve got a heck of a coach to help me.

Let balls drop – One of my worst fears is disappointing others. But that fear drives me to try and be all things to all people. And then ultimately, I’m no good to anyone, least of all myself. It takes nothing less than insanely fierce courage for me to drop balls. But it’s the only way back to sanity.

Daily practices – Sit, Write, Hike, Ride, repeat. Sit, Write, Hike, Ride, repeat. Sit, Write, Hike, Ride, repeat. Daily. And I’ve already begun.

Letting go of people and projects – This has been the hardest part. I fall in love with people. I adore projects and get very attached to them. But as a friend of mine once said, “There are only so many eggs you can hold in one hand.” Sometimes a team member is no longer a good fit for the company. Sometimes a fabulous project requires more of you than you can confidently commit to. Sometimes a friendship fades. There are seasons to everything.

Saying “No” – This requires zero explanation.

I hope my transparency is helpful to you in some way. I’ll let you know how it goes. In the
meantime, may you always trust the journey that is before you––the light side and the shadow
side. May you find your way through any darkness to emerge with wisdom and resilience. May
you love and respect yourself deeply. May you know that you are powerful and free to live the
life you always deserved.