10 Ways to Be an Exceptional Listener
Are you a good listener? If you ask any person, they will likely tell you they are good listeners. But if you ask the people in their life, you may get another story. The skill of great listening, the kind that really helps those around you feel met, is essential in all areas of life––parenting, friendships, intimate relationships and leadership. Astonishingly, most of us were never taught in school how to listen. Nor was it often modeled in our family of origin.
According to Dr. Dan Siegle clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA school of Medicine, what adults and children need to experience wellbeing and belonging are these four things: to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel felt, and to get gotten. Listening is core to all of these four essential existential experiences.
There are plenty of articles and videos out there outlining good listening skill sets. I want to provide you with more nuanced and next-level approaches that will move your needle from just a good listener to a profoundly skilled one. Great listening means that you wholeheartedly want to really get someone’s world. Here’s how to do just that:
Adopt an optimal mindset - Good listening is not just about being silent and not interrupting, but in adopting a learner’s mindset. Contrasted with a knower’s mindset that seeks to defend and maintain what you already think you know, a learner’s mindset meets the situation with curiosity. Asking questions, engaging the speaker to disclose more and deepen the understanding are all ways that help the speaker to feel heard and comprehended. Get out of the ‘speaker vs. listener’ dichotomy and engage in a dialog that engenders a sense of cooperation and shared investment.
Be honest - Great listening takes time, energy and focus. If someone approaches you to speak about something meaningful to them, do them the courtesy of being honest about your resources. Do you have the time and energy? If not then let them know you want to give the conversation the attention it deserves and suggest and commit to another time.
Validate - When people are expressing themselves, there is much more being articulated than “just the facts”. Perceptions, feelings, needs, intuitions and insights are all a part of the whole narrative. Validating people’s perceptions and points of view allows them to feel really met. When you validate someone’s perceptions, you are not saying, “You are right, and I am wrong”. The “right / wrong” polarity is all part of toxic communication. You are saying, “I get you; if I were in your shoes I would experience it the same way; what you are saying is making sense; given the circumstances I could see how you would see it that way”.
Listen to more than just the words - Facial expressions, body language, tone, tempo, and what you ‘feel or sense’ in the space are all part of how humans communicate. It is estimated that 80% of what we communicate comes from these signals. Listen with your whole body to their whole body. Our parapersonal neurons have lots to tell us about what is being expressed and the person expressing it. Context in the moment is also important. Have they just stepped off a plane after catching a red-eye? Are they waist-deep in deadlines? Are the in-laws in town? These contextual elements also inform how, why, and what they are expressing.
Create a sense of safety and respect - A person deserves to feel good about the interaction and feel good afterwards. They deserve to feel good about themselves inside their conversation with you. You create safety by being aware of and managing your bias, your judgements and your assumptions. Create a safe environment in which difficult, complex, or emotional issues can be discussed.
Clear away distractions - Studies show that even if your phone is on silent, just its presence near you keeps you from giving your full attention where it is needed. Move your conversation to a place where you can stay focussed. Put the dogs outside. Switch off the TV.
Desire to truly understand the other - You have an attitude that communicates you really want to get their world. You seek to understand the substance of what the other person is saying, even if they are not articulating it clearly. You can reflect back to them what you are hearing by saying, “Let me make sure I understand what you are telling me…”. Capture ideas, ask questions, and restate issues to confirm that your understanding is correct.
Notice your posture - Everything your body says, tells the other that you are listening and interested, or not. Give the speaker eye contact, face towards them with your whole body, lean in slightly, have an open body posture. And because these things are so important, save really important conversations for in-person or at the very least in front of a camera. Text, email and phone make terrible listening platforms.
Move from chronos to kairos time - The Greeks have two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos is wrist-watch time––we meet at 1:00 pm; I have 20 minutes for this conversation. Deadlines, schedules, agendas happen in chronos. Kairos is the time things take––fruit ripens in kairos; a friendship develops in kairos. Great listening happens in kairos time. Slow down; be in the journey with the other person.
Be humble - The person being listened to is the person who gets to say whether or not they feel heard and ‘gotten’. As the listener you are an exceptional listener when the other says they feel heard––and not a moment sooner. Great listeners do not say, “But I am listening to you!” Listen better, differently, more wholeheartedly until you truly get them, and most importantly, they feel it.
The above behaviors not only affect how you are perceived as a listener; they influence your own attitudes and inner feelings. Doing your part actually changes how you feel inside. This in turn makes you a better listener. And if you’re reading this essay and wishing others would do this for you, keep this in mind: the more you model great listening, the more you’ll inspire others to listen better to you. Exceptional listening elevates the whole system.
