Assertiveness Series Part 2: The Good Girl

As a child, I learned to survive my family system by being the good girl. I honed an ability to anticipate needs, and meet them. I could sense people’s moods and emotions, thus navigating my way around the invisible rules of engagement by pleasing, and dodging conflict. So as an adult I was conflict averse and an over-functioner, plus I had near-psychic abilities to anticipate needs and feel others’ feelings. 

Though at the time I could see nothing wrong with pleasing and being empathic, and I valued my heroic work ethic, these habits cost me a lot of relationships. I often grew resentful, even hostile. And I created entitlement and selfishness in good-hearted people. I used to say to my friends, “I create monsters”. These habits also cost me my health, and a business. At some point I realized that I had to change my relationship to assertiveness, boundaries and healthy self-entitlement if I was going to get anywhere in my life. I found there were very few resources out there that truly embraced the complexities of interpersonal dynamics, historic shaping of our personalities, and a deeply holistic and respectful way forward.

My co-faciltator, EQUUS Faculty, Ram Charan and I created Assertiveness for Life and Leadership to support intelligent, kind and compassionate individuals take the next leap into their personal evolution. This course is a game changer.

Here's three ways to become more assertive: 

1. Healthy self-entitlement starts with recognizing ways that you ‘trade yourself away’ in order to keep the peace, take care of others or simply diminish your needs.

2. Boundaries are not static, solid walls that you put up between you and another person. They are dynamic lines that distinguish you from another, and actually connect you to another through your authenticity. 

3. Create a list of all the things that diminish your energy or dim your light. What do you learn? What do you need to say, “no” to?