Assertiveness Series Part 3: The Doormat
I used to think that boundaries were these rigid structures, sort of like a moat around a castle wall, complete with crocodiles and armored soldiers standing guard. As such, I found them hard to implement with people I cared about because, well, I cared about them and why would I erect such battlements between us? So I chose to be a doormat instead. I diminished my needs, I numbed out my feelings, I was so very nice. Until I wasn’t. At some point, fueled with resentment I would lash out, cutting people off and canceling them out of my life. This cycle further reinforced my fear of assertiveness because I equated my explosions to “necessary confidence”.
What I did not understand was that boundarylessness and hostility were two sides of the same coin of self-betrayal. I did not understand that boundaries could be connecting, not disconnecting. I did not realize that boundaries are a dynamic system, a fluid, moveable line that can be drawn whenever I feel I am about to lose myself––in a situation, a conversation, or a moment.
As soon as I learned what boundaries really were, I became a huge fan of them in my life. They knit my relationships together, they cemented them with trust, and most importantly, people began to learn who I really was, not who I thought they needed me to be.
Here's three ways to help you create better boundaries:
If you struggle with boundaries, examine if you have a limiting belief about them. Is there a new narrative that would support you to implement them more?
Ask yourself this question: what is it costing you to not have enough boundaries in your life and work?
Do you feel met, seen, heard and understood by the important people in your life? If not, why not? What parts of yourself do you want to start letting them know?
