“I’m Sorry” Two Powerful Words for Leadership and Life
We are human. We are flawed and imperfect. We do stupid things. We hurt people. In turn, we are also injured and betrayed by others and hold on to grudges without having the courage to tell others how we feel. We fear that they won’t hear us, and worse, that they won’t apologize. That’s why apologies, good ones, are powerful inside any setting that involves human beings––personal and professional.
A good apology builds trust and resilience and helps the hurt or disappointed party feel validated and seen. It liberates them from obsessing about their hurt for days and nights. It prevents the formation of unspoken but corrosive rifts. It creates an interpersonal culture of accountability and maturity.
But a bad apology does considerable harm. In fact, a bad apology is worse than no apology at all. A bad apology will hurt even more. It offends, angers, and shames the hurt party. It dismisses them and their experience. Sometimes the hurt of a bad apology (or missing one) hurts more than the misdeed itself. The failure to apologize or a badly delivered apology erodes connection.
We’ve all been at the receiving end of an apology that is strung together with rationalizations and justifications that completely undo it. We know how it flattens us, causes us to retreat, and creates resentment. And we’ve all been hasty to deliver a half-hearted “I’m sorry” so we can just get on with things.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, clinical psychologist, and author of many books including Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts takes on the thorny subject of apology and forgiveness and gives us a roadmap to delivering (and receiving) good, skillful, heartfelt apologies. According to Dr. Lerner, there are nine essential ingredients of a good apology. Here they are with my own explanations thrown in:
Nine Essential Ingredients of a Good Apology
1. Does not include the word “but”
“I’m sorry, but….” – this is where we immediately jump to defend ourselves, to justify our behavior, the excuse, bypassing a true apology altogether. For a good apology, keep your “but” out of it.
2. Keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response
“I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.” – When we say “I’m sorry” followed by the other person’s feelings or reactions, we aren’t actually apologizing for what we did at all. Instead, we are judging and shaming the person for their reaction. For a good apology, focus on your own behavior.
3. Includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation
A good apology not only says “I’m sorry” but also includes a repair, i.e., “I am taking steps to make sure that doesn’t happen again,” or “I won’t say that to you again”.
4. Does not overdo
When an apology is frantically emphasized, or repeated over and over again, the focus turns more to the apologizer, and their absolution, than the hurt party’s experience.
5. Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it
This is a hard one. This ingredient requires you to be a stand-up citizen in your relationships. You apologize for your part; you apologize for your care for the relationship, and you apologize to be accountable to yourself.
6. Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance
Apologies don’t mean a thing if the action is not there to back up the words.
7. Should not serve to silence
“I already apologized a million times! Let’s drop this already!” – This is where we see the apology as a free pass to forgiveness, and we don’t want to listen to the hurt we caused. For a good apology, put your defensiveness on the shelf and listen to the hurt party until they say they feel heard and understood.
8. Shouldn’t be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse
In some cases, if the transgression is extreme, the hurt party may want little to no contact with you. Respect that. Don’t hassle them with emails, calls, and texts when what they really want is to have their boundaries honored. A good apology waits for the respectful time, “I am here when you are ready to talk. I’ve been reflecting on my behavior, and I want to make it right, and apologize to you fully when you are available.”
9. Does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even forgive
“Why won’t you forgive me? I’ve said I’m sorry?” – We are turning the apology into a device to feel better about what we’ve done. A good apology is unconditional and allows the person whatever process they need, for however long, to process their feelings.
In most cases, good apologies were not modeled to us by our parents, teachers, or bosses. So we have to learn the art form. Here is an example of a good apology. Let’s say you committed to having a budget review document completed by the first of the month for the CFO. When the day arrived, the review was not done. There were lots of reasons for this, many outside of your control, to do with direct reports, other departments and the like. Here is what you say:
“The budget is not done, and I’ve missed the deadline I committed to (what you did or didn’t do). I’m sorry this happened (the apology). I understand that this puts you in a compromised position for tomorrow’s meeting, and I am creating unnecessary stress for you (what your actions have created for the other party, demonstrating that you understand your impact, you get their world, and that their feelings are valid). I am canceling all my appointments today and slating the rest of the afternoon and evening, until midnight if necessary, to have it on your desk before tomorrow (offer of reparation). To prevent this from happening in the future, I am creating new workflows across departments and implementing them immediately (demonstration of no repeat performance). Is there anything else you need from me to repair this situation (openness to more feelings, thoughts, opinions, and needs)?
An apology is its own, complete, thing. It is not the place for other points such as your own hurts, how you see things, your defense, and other details of a situation that need addressing. Having said that, an apology is not the end of the conversation. Lerner teaches us, “The best apologies are short, and don't go on to include explanations that run the risk of undoing them. An apology isn't the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication."
More may need to be discussed especially if the scenario involves the actions of both parties. But discuss them at another time, when the dust settles, and the hurt party feels some sense of resolution in themselves. You’ll have a much more open and available human in the room with you if you play it this way. Your need for you to be understood, your need to explain your world, the need for the hurt party to hear how they played a role in the scenario––all these things can be brought up later, but not within the apology itself.
While the words of a heartfelt apology are very important, the right tone is essential too. People can sense insincerity a mile away. Your mouth may be forming all the right words but your whole body is saying otherwise. Good apologies are deeply genuine. They communicate verbally and non-verbally that you have stepped into the hurt person’s world, felt what it was like to be them, and let it pierce your reality. You will have a real sense of, “Oh, wow, I really had this negative impact. Holy shit!”….not, mind you, in a self-judge, shamey, blamey way. But in a deeply accountable and mature way. I call it my “holy shit moment”.
A good apology is informed by your holy shit moment. It will change the tone of your voice, the way you make eye contact, the speed of your sentences, and your body posture. A good “I’m sorry” isn’t easy. It doesn’t feel good. It confronts our idea of ourselves as being good, competent, and loving people.
People with fragile personalities and mindsets have a very difficult time with delivering good apologies. The more serious the infraction, the harder it is for them to say they are sorry. This is because they have not developed a solid sense of self that is shame-free. They have their actions so tied up with who they are that they are highly defensive in the face of their failure. They can’t tolerate the discomfort of the holy shit moment, and of being vulnerable to another.
Even though giving a heartfelt apology doesn’t feel good at the moment, it is so very good for us because it builds our self-respect which heals our shame. It helps us to become less fragile and more robust. Good, heartfelt apologies not only serve the offended person, but they build self-worth and maturity in the offender. To give a good apology, you have to stand on a strong foundation of solid self-respect. You have to be confident that your worth is not reflected in the mistakes that you make. And you must have poise, dignity, and confidence in the face of your foibles.
Good apologies build strong relationships. They create resilience, connection, and safety. There is not a context within the human domain that doesn’t benefit from them. In the corporate setting, apologies levied up and down the chain of command create trust. Performance is enhanced, not through perfection, but through failures handled well with humanity, accountability, and care. Research shows that customers who have somehow been wronged by a company, but the company repairs it well, become much more loyal customers than if they had not been wronged at all.
When parents apologize, it not only models for their children how to do the same but validates a child’s feelings and experiences. It demonstrates that humans make mistakes, and they don’t need to be ashamed to be accountable. It models to children how to get another person’s world and understand the impact.
Throughout our lifetime we take turns being the offender and the offended. Isn’t it reassuring to know that there is a pathway toward healing, reconciliation, and reconnection? Isn’t it hopeful to know that in doing so we make things even better, stronger, and more alive than before? All that prevents us is our avoidance of discomfort. But as Lerner invites us, “It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.”
Do you want to be a relationship maven? Join my upcoming assertiveness training course where you will learn the art form of healthy self-agency, skillful communication, boundaries, accountability, and relational well-being. Read here for more information
Kelly Wendorf is an executive coach, spiritual mentor, facilitator, horse-woman, writer, poet, mother of two astonishing people, and courageous life explorer.
To inquire about coaching, spiritual mentoring, or private retreats with Kelly, email her.
