Near Enemies – a Concept That Can Transform Your Life
In the Godfather: Part II the iconic villain Michael Corleone, don of an Italian Mafia family says, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Thousands of years before, a Chinese general named Sun-Tzu is credited with saying the same. While that is sage advice, the Buddhists have a twist on that theme that arms us with a powerful capacity in personal and professional life: discernment.
According to their teachings, virtues have “enemies”. The enemy of love, it won’t surprise you, is hate. Buddhists call these pairs of opposites “far enemies”. The far enemy of compassion is disdain, and the far enemy of honor is shame, just to name a couple more examples. But far more compelling is the Buddhist concept of “near enemies” –– states that appear similar to the desired one, but in fact are counterfeits. The near enemy of compassion, for example, is pity. The near enemy of love would be the needy and possessive state of co-dependence.
Near enemies are the Lucifer of human virtues. They appear as the real deal, but in fact are the dark shadow of a desired quality. Left unexamined, they undermine spiritual, personal, and professional growth. You could say that the virtues or qualities themselves are based in love and connection, and the near enemies are based in fear and separation.
When you identify near enemies (in yourself and others), it liberates you from the confusion, incongruence, and unskillfulness that these imitators create. Have you ever confided in someone about something vulnerable, and instead of compassion they deliver pity? It feels terrible, and yet the person appears to be kind and loving. You want to receive what seems like their gift, yet every cell in your body is revolted and you feel slimed, and you just can’t put your finger on why. This is what happens when you’ve been handed a near enemy.
Or perhaps you want to be very present and attentive with your direct reports, but mistrust has crept in and so you project the vibe of hypervigilance. Everyone starts to react negatively to your being around them. You might get defensive and say that you are just doing your job of showing up, but in fact, a near enemy has crept in.
Another great example is when you care for your pre-teenager, and over time he begins that natural developmental phase of differentiating from you. You get scared, and your care drifts towards worry. Your teenager starts to rebel, not because he doesn’t want your care and love, but because your worry feels highly unpleasant. And it feels like you don’t trust him.
The below list is a secular version of the Buddhist concept of near enemies, to get you started:
I encourage you to find more of your own. Remember that one single virtue can have several near enemies. It’s fun to discover new ones and add them to the list. Maybe a Godfather and a Chinese general are right about keeping your enemies close. But I’d put my money on keeping your near enemies even closer, so they don’t trick you into buying into the fakes.
Kelly Wendorf is an executive coach, spiritual mentor, facilitator, horse-woman, writer, poet, mother of two astonishing people, and courageous life explorer.
To inquire about coaching, spiritual mentoring, or private retreats with Kelly, email her.
