The Weight of the Unseen:Unpacking Invisible Labor and How to Reclaim Your Time
Every now and again, you discover a term that its mere appearance, changes everything. One of those terms is invisible labor. It describes the quiet mental, emotional, and interpersonal work required to keep a relationship, office, or household humming. There is no union for invisible labor, no retirement plan, no promotion, or golden parachutes.
The time spent making sure others don’t make a mess, or balls are not dropped, consumes countless hours and energy resources of many kind, competent and goodhearted people at home and at work. And while there is nothing ‘wrong’ with invisible labor per se (it’s just what is needed to get things done), as you’ll soon learn, the division of this labor is far from balanced.
In the workplace, according to Harvard Business Review research, this kind of work is more likely to be done by women than men. Across field and laboratory studies, the research found that women in the workplace volunteer for these “non-promotable” tasks more than men; that women are more frequently asked and expected to take on such tasks; and that when asked, they are more likely than their male counterparts to say yes. At work, women are 60% more likely than men to take on tasks involving invisible labor, like resolving conflicts or organizing team celebrations. And, as you may have guessed, women of color are disproportionally impacted by invisible labor, as are those in lower socioeconomic classes. These tasks don’t lead to promotions but declining them risks being labeled “difficult”.
At home, still women do the vast majority of invisible work—even when both partners have a full-time career. One recent study of 8,500 heterosexual professional couples revealed that women were found to be five times more likely than men to spend at least 20 hours a week doing household chores. Women are overwhelmingly the caregivers for their children, adult children with disabilities, and elderly parents. Sexual minority adults, in particular lesbians, face a disproportionate expectation that they will take care of their elderly parents because a perceived lack of additional child-raising responsibilities assigns them to be model caregivers.
Much has been written on the topic especially within discourse around these broader social contexts such as child- and elder-care and household responsibilities, but let’s look at the more habitual, mundane ways invisible labor costs those who automatically default to donating their energies in daily life.
What else constitutes invisible labor exactly? Here is a partial list of examples:
The planning ahead to make sure the kids’ homework is done before the holidays.
Making sure the party invitations get out on time.
Being the relational mediator between siblings, in-laws and friends
Being the ‘gatekeeper’ of all the household information (“Mom! Where are my socks?”).
Being the printer fixer or paper loader at the office when others could do it just as well.
Ordering of the boss’s birthday cake.
Having a willing partner or colleague who will do the task, but only when you ask them. You are the one always thinking about it, and knowing the details of it, and therefore are the one who has to ‘delegate’.
Being the one always taking notes for the group.
Being the one who keeps track of birthdays, doctor’s appointments, and all the other little logistical details of daily life.
Dragging your spouse to the couple’s therapist (that you find) after sending him countless videos and articles about validating your feelings.
Being the only one who reads the parenting books, relationship books and self-help books so that your family can tick along smoothly.
In other words, it is all the mental, energetic, and emotional workload of remembering, connecting, problem-solving and maintaining, that would not happen if you were not there to do it. But what makes these efforts insidious is that it is assumed.
I’ve heard people say, “Geez, all you have to do is ask!” when I’ve expressed frustration over always being the one to handle, for example, feeding the dogs or picking up the kids from school. But that’s exactly the problem: regularly having to delegate to someone with less initiative is in itself invisible labor. It’s not the act of feeding the dogs that is exhausting so much as it is the stress of being the one who constantly must think about it, remember it, or delegate it.
People will say, well the fix is easy––just stop doing the invisible labor. In some cases, this may be true––you can at any time decide to stop hosting the family Christmas dinner. But it oversimplifies a complex arrangement within society. The phenomenon remains in play through an over-functioning / under-functioning binary tension dynamic whereupon the other(s) refuse to take initiative, sidestep tasks, and dodge responsibility. This lack of initiative may be conscious or unconscious, but even the remaining unconscious about it, maintains the status quo. Here, the over-functioner may become aware of the dynamic (which becomes more of their invisible labor) while the under-functioner remains willfully ignorant of their impact.
The Invisible Partner to Invisible Labor
A contributor to this dynamic leads us to another term: weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation where someone intentionally underperforms or pretends to be less capable to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities. This behavior forces others—often women—to pick up the slack, leading to an unfair distribution of labor. In the workplace, weaponized incompetence often manifests in tasks that are deemed less desirable or non-promotable, such as administrative duties or routine maintenance, which are crucial but do not lead to career advancement. Those who leverage incompetence tend to do so to maintain their position of power or avoid work that they find tedious or beneath them.
Take the modern office, for example. We've all encountered that one colleague—usually a man—who can't work the printer, despite it being very straightforward. Or the guy who just can’t seem to deal with Google Drive, forcing someone else to upload documents. Or the dude who constantly loses the Zoom link for meetings. It's all too familiar, and it's all too deliberate.
Here are some other examples of weaponized incompetence closer to home:
“Oh, I’ll never learn to validate my partner, she’s just too difficult (emotional, irrational, unhinged…)”
“I can’t load the dishwasher right.”
“The kids want you.”
“I’m just not good at remembering birthdays.”
(This was actually said to me) “I deliberately do a terrible job cleaning the house so she’ll eventually do it.”
It is true that sometimes well-intentioned accountable people don’t know when they’re making you do all the invisible heavy lifting. And because it impacts you more, you will most likely be the one to have to voice it––yes, more invisible labor, but hopefully the kind that will liberate you from taking on the lion’s share. Normally, those who are good citizens inside relationships will want to know and welcome the feedback. If they don’t, take notice.
Breaking the Cycle
For those of you who default to over-functioning, it is powerful to start to disrupt the pattern. With awareness comes choice. Here are some symptoms of over-functioning to look out for:
Nagging
Overwhelm
Exhaustion
Brittleness
Resentment
Walking on eggshells
Contempt
Numbing
Disconnection
Moving too fast
If you notice these signs, look to see if taking on too much of your fair share of invisible labor is the culprit. If it is, here are some ways that might help tip the scales:
Stop Being the Hero – you might really like the feeling of saving the day. Perhaps it’s a way you were loved and accepted in your family of origin. Address that need and desire, rather than being run by it.
Make a List – Think of everything you do that you do not get directly credited, acknowledged or compensated for, everything you do in your life (personal and professional) that is not seen, recognized, or paid for in kind. Then reflect if you are taking on more than your fair share in the system. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Set Clear Boundaries – Establish boundaries by clearly communicating your limits and refusing to take on tasks just because no one else wants to. Your “no” will liberate energy and self-respect.
Delegate Assertively – When faced with attempts to pass off tasks through weaponized incompetence, delegate these tasks back, ensuring that everyone shares the workload fairly. You're not a dumping ground for other people's responsibilities.
Set out Physical Reminders – When your over-functioning is on auto-pilot, you need something to interrupt the habit. Press a yellow-stickie on your computer screen with the words “Stop It!”, or place an object on your kitchen counter such as a stone or vase of flowers to remind you frequently to check in, and disrupt your compulsion to take something on.
Silence Your Phone – Do this a lot more than you normally do. Start managing people’s expectations by letting them know you are unavailable and are reinforcing it by silencing your notifications.
Speak to Your Boss – If you notice a pattern within your workplace that enlists women’s or minority’s invisible efforts more than the guys, raise the issue to your boss or manager.
Make the Invisible, Visible – Start noticing when others take on invisible labor. Acknowledge and appreciate their efforts. It will start to create a culture of seeing the work and no longer taking it for granted. It will also encourage others who are inclined not to have initiative, to take on more.
Learn these Phrases – These are complete sentences. No need to justify or explain. Practice them often:
“You’ve got this.”
“You can handle this."
“I trust you to make the right decision; you don’t need to consult me.”
“You can figure that out on your own.”
“Please don’t interrupt me, unless it is a life-or-death emergency.”
“I’m not available…(right now, to do that, for this).”
“There’s a list of important household info and phone numbers on the fridge. Please read that instead of interrupting me while I’m working.”
(By the way, these and other assertiveness skills are developed in my Assertiveness for Life and Leadership Course).
If in reading this, you suspect you might be unintentionally passing invisible labor onto others, don’t double down in shame. Instead, pay attention. Is your partner frazzled? Does your co-worker always seem exhausted? Ask yourself how you can contribute more fairly.
And if you’re the one shouldering more than your fair share, take these steps to reclaim your time. Imagine what you could accomplish with even half the energy spent on invisible labor. Imagine how your life could change if you redirected that effort into your own well-being, business, or dreams.
Now, ask yourself: who benefits when you don’t?
