This One Practice Will Change Your Relationship
Intimate committed relationships are hard. They take work. In my essay “Why Love is Not Enough in Relationships” I emphasize the need for relationships to align with important factors if they are to survive: shared values, accountability, safety, skillful communication, trust, vulnerability, honesty, curiosity, attunement, and transparency are just some of the elements that build a working relationship.
Optimally, these long-term relationships become the ground on which both parties strive to become better humans. We put aside our self-serving interests and become an ally for the relationship itself. This doesn’t mean we don’t set boundaries, or ignore our needs, but that even our healthy self-entitlement and self-expression is in service to showing up better not only for ourselves, but also for the relationship.
In this context, a relationship is like a garden that needs tending. If we stay current with our partner or spouse, willing to have the challenging conversations, willing to clear a disconnection, willing to notice the good things that they do and acknowledge their day-to-day efforts, then our relationship is positioned to stay healthy.
To help serve this end, my partner, Andrew (who is also a coach), and I developed a weekly practice that we call our “Huddle”. We’ve been doing it for a couple of years now, refining it and revising it over time, and have discovered that it is a powerful way to keep our relationship healthy and vibrant. We designed the six-step process to evoke some very specific qualities: empathy, attunement, honesty, courage, gratitude, accountability and vulnerability. Many of our couple friends and clients ask us for the Huddle recipe so they can implement it too and we’ve heard reports that they too find the practice a game-changer. So, I thought to share it with you here.
The Huddle: A Six-Step Process to Ensure Relationship Resilience and Growth
The Huddle takes place once weekly (we like to do ours on a weekend morning in pajamas over coffee). One of the keys to this practice’s success is that it happens every week, regardless of whether we feel like we “need” it or not. Be sure to create a space where you will not be interrupted––phones in another room, remove all distractions.
Each person takes turns walking through the following six steps (starting with taking turns with Step 1, then taking turns with Step 2, and so on). Do not run through the six steps, and then have the other person run through the six steps.
1. Context – take a moment to share some of the themes, challenges, victories and experiences of the previous week. It’s a chance to allow your partner to peak into your world, and what life was like for you for the last six days.
For example, “It was a super stressful week for me. I found myself really distracted and kind of grumpy most days. I’m noticing that I’m worried about money, too. But I enjoyed my trips to the gym; they seemed to support me. And I’m super happy we have this trip to the mountains planned.”
2. Acknowledgement – here you are acknowledging the other person for some action they took, or some growth moment, or some way they showed up for something. This step reveals how you see your partner, how you are noticing positive things about them, how you are paying attention to their world and what matters to them.
For example, “I can see how hard you worked on that project. It seemed to me that it was really challenging for you and you showed up for it anyway. I also want to acknowledge how patient you were with your mother. I can tell you’ve been really working on your relationship with her and I’m proud of you.”
3. Clearing – with luck you have the kind of relationship where you clear things immediately, skillfully, and in a timely manner. But sometimes life gets busy, and we don’t attend to things that need to be said, or things that need further exploration. Here is your moment.
For example, “I know we had a constructive conversation about how I felt dropped during the Thanksgiving break, and I appreciate how you showed up for a heartfelt apology. But I’m noticing I’m still resentful, and I have some feelings and some insecurities I would like to share with you…”
By the way, this step takes some real slowing down. This is the opportunity for the partner who is listening to become curious, ask good questions, ie, “Can you tell me more about what that was like for you?”, drop all tendencies for defensiveness, really get their partner’s world, and respond or apply first aid as necessary: perhaps an apology is needed, or a new agreement, or perhaps you just really need to validate their experience. Stay with it until the person speaking their clearing feels complete.
Do not use your time for clearing to respond to this clearing (if you are the second person to share), or to get your point across. It will invalidate your partner’s clearing. There will be time for that later…another day, or later that night. For now, just allow your partner to have the gift of your unconditional alliance.
Some weeks, you or both of you may not have anything to clear. If this is the case, you can just say so. We find that doing the Huddle on a regular weekly basis keeps Step 3 fairly low key.
For further support on developing your capacity to be skillful in this challenging space of clearing, please see the end of this essay.
4. Gratitude – reflect on the previous week, and state some of the things for which you are grateful to your partner.
For example, “Thank you for taking such good care of your health. It means a lot to me that you are going to the gym and eating right. And thank you for running all the errands this week when I was so maxed out at work. I really felt cared for and supported.”
5. Report of Accountability to Self – this is an opportunity for your partner to hear about the ways you are holding yourself accountable to certain goals or practices. When they have a glimpse into this part of your life, they can be allies.
For example, “I’ve been proud of myself for the ways I’ve been maintaining my boundaries with my brother. And I’m pleased I’ve been consistent with going to the gym. But I’m not happy about the ways I squander my precious morning time, and just hop right on technology instead of meditating and writing. I want to work on that.”
6. Seeing them the way they want to be seen – this is the final step, and a vulnerable one. You turn to your partner and ask the question, “What do you want me to acknowledge you for?” The partner gets to drop in and really sense for themselves what would feel really good to be acknowledged for.
For example, “Honey, what would you like to be acknowledged for?” Partner’s answer, “Hmmmmm, well, this feels really bold to request, but I want you to acknowledge the way I showed up at that public meeting. I want you to tell me that I was clear and articulate, and that you were super proud of me, and proud to be next to me.”
Here, your job is not to just repeat their words, but instead, take the spirit of that acknowledgement and impart it with your love for your partner and your words. It will have much more meaning that way. For example,
“Darling, I was so impressed with how confidently you stood your ground at the meeting the other night. You were poised and clear. You said what you wanted to say and I noticed it had impact, not only on me, but on the whole room. I was so freakin’ proud to be at your side. You are amazing!”
That’s it! We like to close our Huddle with a long hug. The whole thing can take anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour. This six-step practice gives you a chance to step off the flywheel of busyness in your lives and attend to what matters most. The return of investment of that time is exponential. You’ll find it generates good will, closeness and safety throughout the whole week. You’ll find yourselves overall braver in the tricky spots, and more generous in spirit.
If you’ve been together a long time, and you’ve slid into some disconnecting patterns, then this practice will help right the ship. It may feel a bit wooden at first, and awkward. And it may bring up some past hurts. But stick with it and you’ll soon experience positive results.
Closeness and connection to another human demands that we not only love them, but show up for them, and do the work required to keep the relationship vital, resilient and strong. I hope that you find the Huddle a helpful part of your relationship work.
Upcoming Class
If this six-step Huddle practice resonates with you and you’re ready to bring it to life in your own relationship, I’m excited to share that we’re offering a class inspired by this essay: “The Relationship Reset: Weekly Steps to Reignite Connection” on Saturday, February 1st 2025 from 10-11:30am MT
$87 for individuals
$107 for couples
Resources:
1. The art of a true apology – Brené Brown and Harriet Lerner (author of many books including the classic The Dance of Anger and her latest Why Won’t You Apologize?) have a wonderful two-part podcast called “I’m Sorry – How to Apologize and Why it Matters”
2. The work of Stan Tatkin – Dr. Tatkin’s relationship work is evidence-based, addressing the psycho-biological underpinnings of secure functioning relationships. Read his book Wired for Love, or check out his essays and videos.
3. Jimmy on Relationships - Jimmy is not a therapist, he is a husband who messed up, took accountability, learned from his mistakes, and is now able to communicate them very well online. His videos and shorts are humorous, pointy and impactful.
