What is Love? Two Simple Binaries That Help Us Love Better.
Recently, a friend and I met for coffee. Our conversation predictably landed to her relationship. She was expressing frustration about not feeling seen, or deeply met. It was a longtime story for her, and she was sensing a “used by date” looming. “But she really loves me…in her way,” asserted my friend. “I mean, I know she cares about me; I know she has deep feelings about me…” she trailed off, her eyes averted down to her coffee cup. I knew she was holding back tears. “…but, well, but I just don’t feel loved.”
If I had a dollar for any time a friend, client, or family member said this to me over the years, I’d…well, I’d probably be doing exactly what I’m doing, but with a lot more savings in my bank account! How is it that we live in a world full of people who proclaim love, while at the same time so many feel unloved?
I believe it is because there is a fundamental gap in our understanding of how love works. I used to witness this gap during my days as a horse trainer and riding instructor in my 20’s. In this line of work, one’s clients were usually very wealthy and could afford the best of everything––best boarding stable, best training, best truck and trailer, best tack and gear. All this to serve horses that could cost anywhere from $50,000 to $250,000. Each day I would walk the long, immaculately cleaned barn aisles hosting dozens of box stalls built from the finest materials. Well-oiled leather halters with polished brass fittings hung neatly on the stall doors lovingly enhanced with a silver nameplate: “Rubicon’s Moonlight” or “Diamante Fino”. Inside stood a quiet––too quiet––beautiful and shiny equine.
There is an eerie silence to these places. Over time I realized it was the sound of loneliness and heartbreak. And though the owners of the horses, their trainers, their grooms, and carers would all proclaim that they loved the horses, the horses would say that their experience was not that of love, but of servitude.
I recognize I am making a broad generalization to suggest a point. My aim is not to shame those of us (myself included) who have in the past or who are currently boarding their horses in stalls. And there are many happy equestrian environments. My point is that love towards another needs to be more than just a feeling, a warm felt sense of emotion. Love, real love, requires that we act from that felt sense in a way that feels like love to the other. Love is about the impact, not simply the intention.
The mind in service to the heart
In leadership development spaces, we learn about mindsets. Mindsets are certain attitudes, beliefs and expectations that create the foundation of who you are, reflect your values, and impact how you interact with and influence others. Mindsets are often taught in simple binaries.
One such mindset binary is knower/learner You could call these two mindsets archetypes, and we have both in our psychology. Put simply, the knower mindset believes you know all you need to know to address the situation at hand. The learner mindset is willing to admit "I don't know” or “I don’t know everything” and be influenced. When we lead our life with a knower mindset, we miss (consciously or unconsciously) much of what the world is trying to teach us and develop in us. The knower mindset is a huge block to our personal evolution.
For our beloveds to feel our love, we must have a learner mindset. We can cultivate curiosity about what they need. What feels like love to them? What is meaningful to them? What makes them afraid or triggered. Where are they vulnerable? What lights them up? And just as importantly, what doesn’t feel like love? For example, one of the ways I feel love from another is to be given space – space to be myself, space for solitude, space to be creative. But to someone who loves me, space may seem like the least loving thing they could give. To them, it could feel like giving me distance, not love. Instead, they might give me what they project I need, like tons of gifts, or lots of compliments. In the name of love, without the learner curiosity, I am being missed. And like my friend, I would have this sense of, “Well, I know they love me in their way, but I don’t feel loved.”
This leads me to another helpful mindset pair: victim/player. The victim mindset focuses on the things you cannot influence. You may gravitate toward this thinking to maintain self-esteem and avoid viewing yourself as part of a problem. Being in a victim mindset helps us avoid taking responsibility, shifting blame to external forces and other people. “I was late because of traffic” is a victim mindset statement. The player mindset focuses on the elements you can influence. You take the perspective of the player when you recognize your role or contribution to a problem and create self-empowering explanations for the situation. A player mindset bases self-esteem on taking responsibility and doing your best to move forward while working on the factors you can influence. “I didn’t leave early enough to account for the traffic” is a player statement.
In love, when you take a player mindset, you take responsibility for teaching others what love feels like to you. Do not expect others to just intuitively know how to love you. With regards to my above example of my friend giving me lots of gifts in the name of love, yes, they could take a learner mindset and be more curious about me. Yes, they could take it upon themselves to discover more about how I like to be loved. And, at least as importantly, I can take a player mindset and help teach them about me. A victim mindset says, “Well, that’s just the way they are, and I’ll never be loved in the way that’s truly fulfilling to me.” A player mindset says, “Hey, thank you so much for the gifts, I see you really care about me, but you know what would really feel like love to me? If you stayed connected to me but gave me space in the afternoons to write.”
These two powerful mindsets - player and learner - help ensure you both give and receive love in the ways love was meant to blossom. Yes, it requires some honest conversation. It may not fit into a romantic ideology that our beloveds (friends, family, intimates) will “just know” how to be with us. But these courageous conversations lead to more fulfillment, authenticity, and joy.
Why we resist positive mindsets in love
I find that one of the reasons we often don’t take on a learner’s mindset inside our relationships is because we can be afraid of the answers our beloveds might give us. We could ask them all the ways that they want to feel loved, and they may respond with something or things we cannot or are not willing to give them. What do we do then? Let’s say that one of your friends says that they want you to go with them to visit their mother at the retirement home every week. Or they expect a phone call every day. Yet, you realize you are not willing to do this. Real love doesn’t pretend. If we are not able to, or willing to, for whatever reason, express love in ways that are not authentic to us, then the most loving thing to do is to be honest about it. Allow this honesty to deepen your connection and find other ways that would feel loving to them.
We have been taught that to help people feel loved, we must please them, and as a result we extend “dishonest kindnesses” to others, while our resentment grows. We stretch to accommodate to try and prove that we love and only end up creating confusion, distance, and suffering. Kindness is not love if it is dishonest.
In being honest, there is a possibility that the friend may decide they do not receive enough from the relationship. That is ok. Love has kept the space of authenticity and connection alive, and you can relax in the knowing that you remained in integrity. You may find that though the form of the relationship changes, your heart remains open.
And I find one of the reasons we often don’t take a player mindset in love is because we are afraid to ask for what we need and want. It feels vulnerable and exposing. And what if the other can’t or won’t love us in the way that we require? The fear of that discomfort and pain often leads us to be crumb scrapers in our relationships, trying to feel satisfied with the tiny morsels tossed on the floor. Better to remain resigned to what we have – we reason –than to vulnerably ask for more or different and not get it.
These mindsets challenge us to be real and stretch us to honestly engage in the frontier of love. They confront our reluctance to expose ourselves and reveal who we really are. They are not easy to adopt, but they are simple to understand. They shore up the capacities for deeper, more authentic connections in spaces that can often feel vulnerable, mysterious, and scary.
Think about those you love (two-legged and four-legged), and then think about the ways that you love them. What adorns the metaphorical stables of those whom matter most to you? Do these “accessories” and “furnishings” you provide translate into them feeling loved? If you asked them, “Do you feel loved?” what would they say? Challenge yourself to reflect on the impact of how you express your love to each of them––is it what they truly want? Stretch yourself to have a courageous conversation with them and find out what would feel like love.
And, as importantly, take some time to consider what are the things that help you to feel cherished, respected, tended to, and adored. Challenge yourself to be courageous and tell others what you need to feel loved. Give people the opportunity to really show up for you.
Deep, robust love is not just what is felt towards another but how the other feels it. It is more like a verb than a noun that moves in a dynamic give-and-receive motion, fueled by a remarkable feeling. Watch what happens when you take on these two mindsets in service to your heart. You just might find that there is more love out there for you to receive, and to give, than you ever imagined possible.
Most folks think coaching is all about business. But coaching can also be about the business of love––love for self, love for others, and receiving more love in our lives. Email me if you want to learn more about what possibilities could open up for you.
