Assertiveness Series Part 4: The Caretaker
Back in the day, when I was a doormat…that is to say, when I diminished myself by minimizing my needs, silencing my voice, and numbing my feelings…I was not a very nice person. I thought I was being nice because I was caretaking everyone, pleasing others and performing to all kinds of heights. But in truth, because I was not able to take care of my own needs and honor my own ambitions, then I was not able to be truly honoring of others. There is a reason it is called ‘care-taking’––because when we care-take others, we literally take from them. We take their dignity and their power. We make them small and rob them of the opportunity to take care of themselves. In truth, we do it because we cannot bear the discomfort of their journey––whatever it is.
Robustly showing up for ourselves reveals a wonderful byproduct: meaningfully showing up for others. We get to be authentic and real, we get to be loved for who we are, we get to be accountable, and that feels good. At the same time, we are afforded the privilege of supporting others to do the same. You cannot believe the beautiful world that awaits you on the other side of healthy self-entitlement and self-agency.
Here's three ways to help you stop over-functioning:
Where in your life are you over-functioning? Who would benefit most from you stepping back?
Recognize that when you are care-taking someone, you are interfering in their journey of empowerment.
Make a list for yourself of what’s ok, and what’s not ok with you. For example, “It’s ok for someone to share their feelings with me” and “It’s not ok for someone to act disrespectful towards me”. Hold yourself accountable by honoring what is on that list.
